A Missionary's Inner Dialogue

Guys. Sometimes it sucks to be a missionary. A lot of times all that those on the outside see is the really cool ending to some incredibly tough stories where God has brought a miraculous conclusion to a seemingly impossible situation, but, in reality, we rarely talk in depth about the time between the desperate need and the answer to days, weeks, or months’ worth of prayers.

Today is one of those in-between days. As a recently married couple, my new wife and I have found that starting a life together is expensive- especially when you live off the generosity of the Father and his people. Things have been incredibly tight and I can’t tell you how many unforeseen costs have popped up in the last 3 days. It’s actually brought me to tears at points- and I rarely worry about finances that much. After a visit to the vet this morning, I was finally at a near-breaking point and decided to take our dog Hudson on a hike to do some thinking, praying, and listening.

As we got into our hike I heard the Lord speak softly to my heart, “Peter, you realize that what you’re feeling right now is something that you’ve felt so many times before? You feel like this every time you are about to see a way made where there should be no way. This is what it feels like when you’re about to come through on the other side of a testimony that shows my glory.” And he was completely right. I’ve felt this time and time again, and the Lord kept bringing up story after story of how I was faced with an impossible situation, and the Lord made the High places Low and the Low places High for me to walk right through it like it was nothing. So, as much for my benefit as yours, here are some stories of his faithfulness- but each came with it’s own season of Turmoil.

Pants Money: This is my wife’s favorite story of God’s faithfulness to me, and it’s probably my favorite to tell. I was 21, living in New Zealand working with Youth With A Mission as a grounds keeper/general handy-man, but the support wasn’t coming in and I was eating pretty hard into my savings. It got to the point where I knew that for me to fly home and have at least a little left over, I had to go on a virtual spending freeze. The problem with that was that as a grounds-keeper, my clothes were put through a lot, especially since almost everything I owned was about 4 years old at the time. After a few months of work, I was down to 2 shorts and 1 pair of pants. I had just taken some money out of an ATM, and it was all that I would allow myself to spend for the next two months and it was specifically for clothes.

On a Monday morning, we had our weekly Whanau (family) time where different parts of the ministry would come together, eat some snacks, drink some coffee and share what the Lord had been doing and where there were prayer needs. This week, the founder of my campus spoke about how the Mercy Ship we had, The MV Pacific Hope, needed a new part that would filter waste water into drinkable water. As soon as he had said they were going to take up an offering, I heard the Lord whisper in my heart “Hey Peter, do you trust me with your money?” “Oh please God… you can’t be serious right now- do you not understand that if I spend this money I get to wear 2 pairs of pants for the rest of the time I’m here?”

“Hey Peter, How much do you trust me?”

“God, you know I trust you- but are you really asking me to give this up?”

“Yes. Do it.”

I submitted, prayed over the money asking God to use it and multiply it, and put it in the offering tray as it came by- fully believing that I would now have to go the rest of my time in New Zealand without any good pair of pants.

The days went on, and fortunately my pants lasted. One day, after a worship time with another school, I was walking with a  friend to the parking lot when he pulled out a wad of Cash, handed it to me, and said “Our leader has been asking us to pray for those who are in need of finances, and I know that you’re one of those people. While I was praying I felt like the Lord ask me to give this to you.” I counted it after he left, and it was 10 times the amount that I had put in the offering a few days before. Now that’s a lot of pants.

School of Biblical Studies Tuition:

Many of those reading this blog will know that I’m a teacher on YWAM’s School of Biblical Studies in Colorado Springs- but fewer will probably have heard this story before.

I came home to Pennsylvania the summer of 2015, and had about two months to work before I left for school. I actually had wanted to delay going to school a full year so that I could make all the money I would need to pay off the school, but as I sought the Lord about the timing he always came back to me with “Son, how much glory do you want me to get?”- which was essentially asking me “Dude- so, do you want to have a testimony of ‘I worked super hard and payed for this school myself’ or ‘There was no way, humanly speaking, for me to pay off this school, but somehow God did it’”. Of course, I chose the latter and went off to school with the first semester paid off, a little bit for the second, and no idea where the rest was coming from. And the craziest part of all of it? The Lord told me NOT to support raise, and NOT to ask anyone for anything but prayer.

It was around the middle of the last quarter, and fees were due soon. I can’t actually remember how my second semester got paid for, but I still had over $2,000 to pay off before I could graduate. I was starting to panic, and continually prayed asking if I could start support raising like I felt I needed to only to hear the Lord say again and again that he was going to do it and I was only allowed to ask him. And then one night, the Lord gave me three dreams all to the effect that he knew my situation and was going to provide for me. After this happened, I felt deeply convicted to only ask God for the finances and continuously prayed and little by little it came in until it was eventually fully paid off- and I hadn’t asked anyone to do anything except pray.

No matter what the testimony, it always comes with a period of testing- “Do you really believe God is worth this stress? Yeah, he’s done it before but what if he doesn’t do it this time?” The Lord said it best to me on my hike today, “You always forget the view from the top when you’re walking through the valley”. And he’s right- as great as all of these testimonies are, I’m in a place where I need another one. I was sitting with my dog and thinking “I wouldn’t have any of these problems if I wasn’t a missionary. I would be getting paid twice as much by just flipping burgers or bagging groceries.” But there was a still smaller voice saying, “But you know you wouldn’t trade this for the world. You’ve found the one who has the Words that bring Life. You’ve found a treasure in a field worth selling everything for. You knew what you were getting into when you started this. You have counted the cost and he is worth it- AND YOU KNOW IT FULL WELL.”

And that’s where I’ll land it today.  Yeah, SOMETIMES being a missionary sucks- but it’s not all the time, in fact it’s such a small percentage of the time that it’s rarely noticeable. I love that I’m constantly in a place where I need to trust God, and I’d honestly be scared to be in a place where I have the next 15 years of my financial life figured out, because comfortability can so easily lull us into trusting in our own abilities rather than in God’s generosity and faithfulness.   And I’ll say it as much for myself as to encourage you- wherever you are, whatever impossible situation is in front of you: He is perfectly faithful. He is good and he cannot deny himself.  He cannot fail, his only option is success. Therefore- Never for a moment take your eyes off of the one who is able and willing and already working on your behalf for your good.

Worthy is the Lamb who was slain to receive the reward of his suffering.