My mom was getting on my case about finding a job, and how I need to be spending my time and energy doing that instead of playing basketball, and video games. She continued telling me (with all gentleness and humility) that it is more important for me to be able to support myself, than for me to enjoy having time to myself. All of this is good and true, but at the moment, I wanted none of it. I felt anger rising inside of me, I felt like I was being served an injustice. Explaining that will take a bit of back-story.
Let's rewind to September '09. I was just starting to go to the "big house"; Chambersburg Area Senior High School. (Back in those days, you didn't enter the High School building until you were in 10th grade.) But something was wrong. Most days getting to school was a terrible struggle, and I would often come in late, or not come in at all. I would wake up most mornings and end up crying because I was beyond the point of exhaustion, and the day had just begun. I had no energy and I could barely get myself out of bed, even if I slept in until 10:30. I eventually went to the doctor and found out I had mono. I also have Lyme disease, so my immune system was shot, and my energy level at rock bottom. So for about 8 weeks, I had a routine of maybe getting out of bed and walking down to the family room and watching TV, having my mom make me tea and food when I needed it, and sleeping on the couch, only to go back up to bed to sleep more later that night. Needless to say, this greatly affected my social life. I couldn't hang out with friends, I had no energy to go to the computer and talk to them via social media, and even when I did, I had very few conversations, very little interaction. I was able to beat mono eventually, and I returned to school for about a month, but after a while, my symptoms began to return, my energy and strength began to wain, and I was back to where I started. I then ended up going to a clinic and was there for a total of 9 months over 1 and a half years. Mine was a very lonely existence and the only things that kept me going for the next 3 years were a small handful of friends that did their best to keep in contact with me, and my relationship with the King of Kings, the Lord Jesus Christ.
Since then, some of my strength has returned, and as you may have been reading, I am being healed by my Lord and Savior, but I never really let go what has happened to me. I had never really surrendered those years. I was still holding on to them, wanting to be a normal teenager, having missed what are considered to be "the best years of my life". I was holding on to the painful memory of not being able to walk for more than about 50 feet without taking 10 minute breaks, of not having any contact with friends for weeks at a time, of not being able to attend high school, and having to give up my dream of going to college on a track and field scholarship. I was bitter, and all of this was being brought up when my mom was talking to me about responsibility. I felt like I had the right to have some fun, because I have missed out on so much, but the truth is, I need to step up, and let go, and stop being a victim of my past.
God and I had a very long conversation about victimhood, in which He showed me that my sense of being wronged came from me misunderstanding His character and purpose in my life. God is a loving father, and as such He wants the very best for His children. Battling disease was not (and is not) a punishment for something I did wrong, instead it is an opportunity to press in deeper, and stand upon his word, so that I could see that He truly IS my healer, just like the bible says. Much like Deuteronomy 30:15 says "Today I am giving you a choice between life and death" He gave me this choice: I could give Him the past 4 years and trust that He is the ultimate redeemer, restorer, rewarder and believe that He will work everything out for my good and His glory, or I could hold on to the pain, the suffering and let myself feel bad about what had happened to me. I can can be the victim and feel bad for myself because of the trials I have endured, or I can let the fires of refinement forge me into a victor and choose to know His joy, and believe that He is doing things for my good and the good of those around me.
I now see that my view of God was too small. He is MORE than able to take care of my past AND my future. Heck, if He can figure out how to get the gravitational constant just right for a universe to sustain life, I'm PRETTY sure He can figure out how to use the Devil's plans for destruction in my life to bring about joy, laughter, and a more intimate relationship with Him. I'm by no means completely over my victim complex, but I know that as I stand upon His truth and choose to fight, I will be more than a conqueror through Christ who loves me (Romans 8:37). I will continue to believe that He is good and daily I will declare "I will not die, but I will live to declare the works of the Lord." (Psalm 118:17)
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