Victim or Victor

Something happened today that doesn't happen to me very often. I got angry. 

My mom was getting on my case about finding a job, and how I need to be spending my time and energy doing that instead of playing basketball, and video games. She continued telling me (with all gentleness and humility) that it is more important for me to be able to support myself, than for me to enjoy having time to myself. All of this is good and true, but at the moment, I wanted none of it. I felt anger rising inside of me, I felt like I was being served an injustice. Explaining that will take a bit of back-story.

Let's rewind to September '09. I was just starting to go to the "big house"; Chambersburg Area Senior High School. (Back in those days, you didn't enter the High School building until you were in 10th grade.) But something was wrong. Most days getting to school was a terrible struggle, and I would often come in late, or not come in at all. I would wake up most mornings and end up crying because I was beyond the point of exhaustion, and the day had just begun. I had no energy and I could barely get myself out of bed, even if I slept in until 10:30. I eventually went to the doctor and found out I had mono. I also have Lyme disease, so my immune system was shot, and my energy level at rock bottom. So for about 8 weeks, I had a routine of maybe getting out of bed and walking down to the family room and watching TV, having my mom make me tea and food when I needed it, and sleeping on the couch, only to go back up to bed to sleep more later that night. Needless to say, this greatly affected my social life. I couldn't hang out with friends, I had no energy to go to the computer and talk to them via social media, and even when I did, I had very few conversations, very little interaction. I was able to beat mono eventually, and I returned to school for about a month, but after a while, my symptoms began to return, my energy and strength began to wain, and I was back to where I started. I then ended up going to a clinic and was there for a total of 9 months over 1 and a half years. Mine was a very lonely existence and the only things that kept me going for the next 3 years were a small handful of friends that did their best to keep in contact with me, and my relationship with the King of Kings, the Lord Jesus Christ. 

Since then, some of my strength has returned, and as you may have been reading, I am being healed by my Lord and Savior, but I never really let go what has happened to me. I had never really surrendered those years. I was still holding on to them, wanting to be a normal teenager, having missed what are considered to be "the best years of my life". I was holding on to the painful memory of not being able to walk for more than about 50 feet without taking 10 minute breaks, of not having any contact with friends for weeks at a time, of not being able to attend high school, and having to give up my dream of going to college on a track and field scholarship. I was bitter, and all of this was being brought up when my mom was talking to me about responsibility. I felt like I had the right to have some fun, because I have missed out on so much, but the truth is, I need to step up, and let go, and stop being a victim of my past.

God and I had a very long conversation about victimhood, in which He showed me that my sense of being wronged came from me misunderstanding His character and purpose in my life. God is a loving father, and as such He wants the very best for His children. Battling disease was not (and is not) a punishment for something I did wrong, instead it is an opportunity to press in deeper, and stand upon his word, so that I could see that He truly IS my healer, just like the bible says. Much like Deuteronomy 30:15 says "Today I am giving you a choice between life and death" He gave me this choice: I could give Him the past 4 years and trust that He is the ultimate redeemer, restorer, rewarder and believe that He will work everything out for my good and His glory, or I could hold on to the pain, the suffering and let myself feel bad about what had happened to me. I can can be the victim and feel bad for myself because of the trials I have endured, or I can let the fires of refinement forge me into a victor and choose to know His joy, and believe that He is doing things for my good and the good of those around me.

I now see that my view of God was too small. He is MORE than able to take care of my past AND my future. Heck, if He can figure out how to get the gravitational constant just right for a universe to sustain life, I'm PRETTY sure He can figure out how to use the Devil's plans for destruction in my life to bring about joy, laughter, and a more intimate relationship with Him. I'm by no means completely over my victim complex, but I know that as I stand upon His truth and choose to fight, I will be more than a conqueror through Christ who loves me (Romans 8:37). I will continue to believe that He is good and daily I will declare "I will not die, but I will live to declare the works of the Lord." (Psalm 118:17)

My God's Not Dead, He is Surely ALIVE!

As some of you may have already heard, this past Friday I had the awesome privilege of praying for two people and seeing them healed! It was such an awesome, humbling experience seeing God respond to faith and obedience, and I wanted to encourage all of you so that you would know that God is not dead, he is surely alive and well and at work in the world today!

Friday July 26th there was a 24 hour worship service at the church I am currently attending (Life Center in Harrisburg, PA) and I felt the need to go check it out. The first two hours of worship were kind of cool, but I didn't really feel the presence of God. It might be because I really don't enjoy country music, and the one who was leading worship lead from a guitar that sounded like a banjo... Don't get me wrong, he was a wonderful singer and instrumentalist, but I just couldn't connect. The next set was where things started to happen. When they began to worship, the presence of God filled the room (and honestly, I don't even know how to describe how I knew that he was there, it's one of those things that you just know deep down inside your spirit), and after singing at the top of my lungs for a while, I decided to just sit down and rest in His presence. As I did this I "heard" (when I say "heard" I do not mean that I hear the audible voice of God, it's more of an impression that I need to obey, because I've learned that when I feel this way, God is usually behind it and wants me to do something) that the woman sitting about 4 seats to the right of me needed healing for something. So, me being me, I decided to wait until my heart pounded out of my chest because I'm still getting used to all of this, but I then realized, "hey, what's the worst that could happen? The worst possible thing is that you didn't hear and the woman gives you a funny look, BUT WHAT IF YOU JUST HEARD FROM GOD AND HE'S GOING TO HEAL THIS LADY OF SOMETHING?? Isn't that worth the risk???" And in true Phineas and Ferb fashion, I decided "Yes, yes it is". So I walked towards the woman and asked her if she needed healing for something, and to my delight, she said "Yes". She then went on to tell me that she had been in a car accident, and that her ankle and foot have been in a lot of pain, and she was currently sitting down because she had been on it all day and it just hurt too much to stand up any more. I then asked if I could pray for her, she said yes, so I laid my hand on her ankle and began to pray. I can't really remember how I prayed, or what I even said, but obviously that doesn't matter to God! He does not respond to lofty prayers filled with beautiful words, no, my Jesus responds to faith and stupid obedience to him. I finished praying and asked if she would be willing to stand up and try out her ankle and see if she felt any differently. As she stood up, she told me that her ankle felt like there was a cool breeze on it, and there was no longer any pain! She informed me that she still didn't have the full range of motion in that foot as she did in the other foot, so we went back into prayer, but after a while I felt the Lord tell me to stop praying, she tested it out and she still didn't have the full range of motion. I don't really understand that, but I do know that the good work he has started in her, He will bring to completion! (Phillipians 1:6)

Needless to say, I was CRAZY STOKED!!! This was the first time I had ever seen someone healed after I prayed for them, and I didn't even pray pretty! I then had to go to get some more water, and as I went out, I saw a friend and HAD to tell them what just happened! She and some other people were gathered around a girl praying for her (I could tell this because they had their hands laid on her and their heads were bowed).  The people gathered around this girl heard me tell my friend what the Lord had just done for someone else who I had just prayed for, and they told me to lay my hand on this girl. As I looked, I could tell that she was sick. Her sentences were sluggish, she was shaky, and she looked a little bit sweaty. I figured that if Jesus could heal a woman with pain in her ankle and let her walk without pain again, he certainly can heal this sickness! I felt that I was to remind her that when the Israelites came out of the wilderness  not one among them was "feeble", I then entered into prayer and told the sickness that my Daddy was bigger than it, and it needed to go in his name. I also prayed that the joy of the Lord would be her strength, she then started slowly falling to the ground in laughter. after about 15 seconds, she got back up and said she felt all better. 10-15 minutes later, she was dancing in front of the stage worshiping Jesus!

Since then, I have prayed for a few other people, and did not see them healed as I prayed for them (I have no idea if God did a work over night, or if he will strengthen them day by day, or if there was no healing at all). I don't really understand that, and I think that part of it is because people really need to expect for God to heal (Jesus wasn't able to heal many in his home town because of the unbelief and lack of expectation) and part of it is so that I pursue him more to see others healed that his name might be made famous. I don't fully understand God's plan for healing people, but I do know this: If you do not pray for the sick to be healed, you will never see the sick healed. If you do not step out on a ledge, there is no need for God to be there to make sure that you're safe. If you are obedient, He is faithful. And without faith, it is impossible to please God (Hebrews 11:6). So this is my challenge to you, listen to the Lord, do what he says (Jesus says he only did what His father told him to do) act in faith when you hear him, then stand back and watch Him do His thing. I DARE YOU.

Planning the adventure

Hello all! As some of you may already know, I have felt led to do a DTS (discipleship training school) with  YWAM,(youth with a mission, a christian organization that disciples young people and teaches them the importance of spending time in the presence of god, disciples them, and then sends them to disciple the nations). I would most likely be leaving in January 2014 if I go to DTS base that I have been looking into I have been looking at a worship DTS at the Tauranga base in New Zealand, but i looked at how much it would cost, and it would be $6,700 just for the DTS and the outreach portion. None of this includes air fare (one way costs about $1,539) travelers insurance or anything along those lines. So, this is where you come in. I feel like this is the place where i'm supposed to go, after praying and talking to the worship leader at the base, but because of the cost, I would really need a miracle for that to happen (and I know that my God is a God of the miraculous, so this might just be a time where he wants me to totally trust him and see him come through!). At the same time, I really need for Him to absolutely 100% confirm that this is the base he wants me at, so I'm asking that you would pray alongside me. I need discernment in which way to go, if He wants me to radically trust him for all the support I need, or if He has another way for me to walk.

There's more to this whole thing too, to be able to actually do everything and truly be a part of what YWAM is doing in New Zealand (or where ever He might call me) I need to NOT HAVE LYME DISEASE. I'm sure that most if not all of you are aware that I have had Lyme disease all of my life, and in the past 4 years it has taken me by storm. For a long time I could not concentrate for more than 15 minutes before falling asleep for 2 hours. My mother once watched as I studied and could literally see the bags under my eyes getting darker and darker until I finally gave in to the sleep i desperately needed. THANK GOD I'M NOT THERE ANY MORE!! I am now able to walk up and down stairs, and even play basketball with some kids at the park 2-4 times a week, but that won't cut it for full time ministry. I believe that God is my healer. Christ carried my sins on the cross, they are forgiven. Christ carried my SICKNESS to the cross too, so it was healed 1970 odd years ago, but I need for that healing to be manifested in my body! (this has already started to happen within the past couple of days. I have had terrible insomnia since the lyme has taken over my body. The last time I forgot to take my sleeping medication, I was not able to fall asleep until 4:30 in the morning. That was after waking up early and moving from Chambersburg to Mechanicsburg) Last night and the night before, I felt God say that he was healing me and that I should trust him and cut down on my medication, so I cut the pill in half, hoping that I would be able to fall asleep at least before 2 o'clock. Last night i fell asleep at 11!!! (11:30 is my usual pass-out time) So I know that God is doing His awesome work in my body, but I still need more! I'm asking that you would all join me in believing that God has HEALED me. I'm expecting that by the time I leave for whatever ministry He directs me to, I will not have ANY trace of ANY sickness.

I would love for all of you to join me on this journey of discovering God's plan for my life, and also this journey of Healing that He is taking me on. If you have bible verses that remind you of the goodness of God and how he is faithful to do what he says he will do, I would love to get those from you! (The whole reason I'm going to do a DTS is so that I can qualify for a 9 month intense study of the bible, where you read through every book in the Word 5 times! SO PUMPED FOR THAT!!!!) Also, if there is anything that I can do to encourage you, do not hesitate to ask! Find me on facebook, and send me a message! I don't want to make this about me. I want this to be about the Sent AND the Senders working together to further the kingdom of God! Thanks so much, and I pray that God richly blesses you with his love, joy, and peace in overwhelming provision!